Tag Archives: stalker

The Keyword Shuffle

Posted on by

Yep! It’s that time again: time to pull up the stats and see exactly how you crazy, er, perfectly sane and very pretty readers make your way to The Brainy Babe! Shall we get started? Yes, I think we shall:

internet stalker logo - Seriously? Like Superman’s logo?  I mean, I suppose the “S” could be for “Stalker”… Wow. On second thought, do you really need a logo? Or want one, for that matter? Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t you like being covert about your stalkery behavior?

brainy thought for the day - Ooh! I like this one! I think I’ll start giving you a brainy thought for the day, every day!  Why not, right?  So, today’s brainy thought for the day is as follows: If Pluto is now considered a dwarf planet, shouldn’t it still qualify as a planet; you know, since the word “planet” is still in its classification? Discuss.

trophy wife - Ah yes! The trophy wife. Well, I haven’t exactly talked about the trophy wife so much as I’ve talked about the expired trophy wife, which is something different entirely. You know what the worst part about expired trophy wives is? They don’t know they way past their expiration date. So sad.

you’re not cool - Oh yeah? Well which of the two of us has a blog? Huh??  HUH???? Bring it on buddy. I’m so freakin’ cool I’m practically ice cold. So there.  ::sticks tongue out at screen in defiance::

dark demon cloud stalking me - Whhhhhaaaat??? There’s a dark demon cloud stalking you?! Quick, someone hand me a phone. I gotta get an old priest and a young priest…

brainy quotes about mistress - Um…huh…er…ah….hmm. Oh! Here’s one: “I don’t know who she is honey! I’ve never seen her before in my…” Oh, that’s not brainy at all, is it?? Whatever dude. Good luck with all that.

hire meg - Yes! Yes, yes, YES!! Hire Meg!!!!  Go look at her link list here. Hire her! Hire her! Er…me!

watch out behind, hunter! - Hmm… I don’t know what to do with this one. Song lyric? Movie reference? Obscure geekdom? Just watch out behind, you hunter person (thing?) you!

quick: top 5 musical crimes perpetuated by stevie wonder in the 80s - WIN!! Someone was searching for High Fidelity and found MEEEEEEE!!!!! I love High Fidelity. Almost as much as I love chocolate. And driving with the windows down. And clean laundry. And silly little cartoon platypuses…or is it platypi? Doesn’t matter. Point is: High Fidelity is amazeballs.

stalker tumblr - Yeah man, I think you’re looking for all the hipster stalkers. You know the type: the ones staring at you out from under their fedoras as they write poetry for you, even though you’ve never actually met them. Yeah, they’re not here. Move along.

mw squared - YES!! We’re famous! Someone actually search term searched (redundant “searched”??) for mw squared. WIN!!!!

 

So there you have it! These terms are all from the last seven or 30 days, depending. There are a boatload more terms that got people here, but these are the ones I found most amusing. Of course that was all fun and games until I switched things over to the terms for the quarter. Wanna know what the top three search terms are?

Stalkers

Trophy wife

Divorce Decree

Um…I might be doing something wrong here.

Stop Being a Stalker

Posted on by

Should I be bothered by the fact that most people arrive here via a search engine by typing in “stalker,” “how to be a stalker,” or “how do you know if you’re being a stalker” for search terms?  I find this moderately unsettling, especially since I may have two posts that even mention the word.  (Well, now three, but you know.)  Let me help you effing creepy people out:

If you have to ask if you’re behaving like a stalker, chances are YOU ARE!!!!!  Stop it.  Now.  I’m serious.  Nobody wants a stage 5 clinger.  Nobody thinks obsession is sexy (except maybe fifteen year olds who love Twilight).  If you have to ask, just STOP.  And seriously, quit Google searching that mess.  If you fly off the handle and get really psycho on somebody, the cops will search your hard drive and search engine history. 

Just be cool, people.  Stop stalking that other person.  You can’t make someone fall in love with you, and you can’t live your life following someone around and looking in their windows creeping their Facebook page.

 

Keyword Shenanigans

Posted on by

That’s right folks.  I’m procrastinating writing real stuff by engaging in goofy bloggery.  Hey, it’s a Monday.  I gotta ease into this craziness.  Anyways, my keyword word searches have been such a fan favorite that I think it’s time for another installment.  (Check out previous posts here and here.)  Alright. Here we go.  You know the drill.  These are actual keyword phrases that have led people to the site.  I’m not really sure how they’ve gotten people here, but it is what it is.

I’m in a love triangle, what do I do? Get the friggen frack out.  Now!  Okay, that’s hardly constructive, but thank you for adding some inspiration to my dating eBook, you troubled anonymous dating freak, you.  Kidding, kidding.  I don’t know that you’re troubled; it just sounds that way.  Okay, first what kind of love triangle are you in?  I assume you’re a chick because dudes usually don’t care if they’re in a love triangle; it’s usually perceived as a good thing to have two chicks fighting over you, and well, this is kind of a Nancy kinda question for a guy to be Googling.  But, maybe I’m wrong; it’s been known to happen.  Okay, first step, without knowing ANY of the details, is for you to figure out what YOU have done wrong.  Are you leading a girl on?  Are you “the other woman?”  Assess the situation and/or message me with more deets.  Can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on.  Also, good luck with all that.

saying, you are now entering “the twilight zone” Clearly, you’re not old enough to remember this show.

 

 

You’re welcome.

hurl to frown at not aware WHAT?!?  That doesn’t even make any sense.  “hurl to frown at not aware”?  What on earth…?  Okay, wait.  Maybe I’m looking at this too soberly.  Maybe it’s a set of directions: Take “hurl” to “frown” [because no one likes to hurl, even when they're drunk and it doesn't hurt *not that I would know what that's like* and in my non-experience, I've found such actions make me frown], turn left at “not aware,” and continue straight on to What-The-Hell-Did-I-Do-Last-Night-Ville.  Yeah, there you go.  That makes a little more sense.  *snort*

ifgirlsonly knew how to use a space bar?  Also, this ain’t Twitter.  If it were, you’re missing your hashtag.

decree of paper work Huh? Do you mean a certain degree of paperwork?  Or a piece of paperwork that is a decree?  Notice that “paperwork” is all one word, while we’re on the subject.  I’m sorry I can’t help you with this; I frankly haven’t got a clue about what you’re looking for.  Good luck.

how do you know when you’ve crossed the line of stalking? Right there.  Right FREAKIN’ there!!!!  If you’re asking the question, you’ve crossed the line.  If you’re worried about it, chances are you have something to worry about.  Relationships involve two people.  If you’re the only involved person in the “relationship,” chances are it’s not actually a relationship and you’re just a freak. 

not cool dude: Dude, so not cool.  Dude.  Also, where’d you leave your time traveling phone booth?

Edward Cullen: Ha! I have nothing more to say about this sparkly, possessive, over-protective, mildly freaky vampire.  I’m just a keyword hog and this got someone else here! Muahahahaha!!!

you know you’re a writer when you own it.  You call yourself a writer.  Oh, and you actually write.  Can’t be a writer just ’cause you say you are.  You have to contribute to the writing world in one form or another, published or not.  Godspeed.

pictures of books!  I love your enthusiasm!  I don’t think exclamation points are used enough!  Seriously! Why do you love books so much?!  And why do you get so excited over the pictures of said books?!  Did you see how I did that question mark + exclamation point thing?! Hey! I did it again!  Because you’ve committed yourself to the obvious gratuitous use of exclamation points, here’s a picture of some of my own books!  Enjoy! 

why do puck and ash dislike each other  Because they both have penises. Oh, wait, was that crass?  Okay, um, they’re both guys in love with the same girl.  Actually, that’s only part of it.  You need to read The Iron Fey series.  It has to do with the death of someone special to Ash in the past.  He pretty much blames Puck for it.  That’s all I’m giving you.

how to change your username again facebook  Yeah, I can’t help you, but I’m wondering why you’re wanting to change it AGAIN.  Did you engage in some stalkery behavior?  Do we need to have a chat?  What’s going on with you?  How’s that working out for you?  Yes, I totally went all Dr. Phil on you and I’m not apologizing.  Why don’t you ask Facebook about changing your username again?

And that’s it for today, my lovelies.  Happy Monday, and let’s keep the shenanigans to a minimum, m’kay?

Alternate "Reality"

Posted on by

Bwahahahaahaa!!! Okay, I can take a joke. And, I can totally take a joke when it comes to pop culture stuff, especially when it’s something like Twilight. As mentioned in a previous post, I purchased and am reading–like the history/Twilight geek I am–Twilight & History.

Okay, so there’s this one essay talks about the courtship between Edward and Bella and how B imagines all of this Victorian mumbo jumbo, blah blah blah crap (which, I’m sorry, I never really bought anyway…I mean, Edward was from Chicago at the start of the 20th century. He was all gung-ho about enlisting in the army. I don’t think he was a provincial as an Anne of Green Gables montage in Bella’s imagination would have him be, but whatever.)

So anyway, in this particular essay, the author offers several [more] historically correct alternatives to the courtship between E & B. One is subtitled “Edward Masen and the Flapper: A Not-That-Girl Remix” which places E & B as humans, in Chicago, 1920s:

In this scenario, Bella is “a spaghetti-strap vision in blue; amid the smoke and booze of Prohibition,” with bobbed hair and with whom Edward “dances the night away.” They hook up; she gets knocked up, and they get married. She loses the baby, because really, 1920s medicine was pretty lame and then they divorce and never see each other again. (82)

(snicker)

But, my favorite is the scenario that puts them both in modern day 21st century high school life:

“It is the twenty-first century. Edward Masen is a normal teenager in Forks, Washington, though his parents have a two-income household that is a little more prosperous than Bella’s and Charlie’s home. The two students are remarkable for their above-average academic abilities and are often paired together in classes; they quickly become an item. Bella loses her virginity to Edward after the senior prom. Their relationship combusts when they go to separate colleges, she to study literature and he in an intensive premed program. They each date a series of lovers; Edward marries in graduate school and divorces a few years later. In their early thirties, Edward and Bella reconnect through Facebook and tentatively begin to date again. Where it will end this time remains unknown.” (84)

Haha!!! This last one is SOOOO true. And, I don’t care what you think of Twilight, everyone can appreciate the hilarity and biting [haha, no pun intended] reality of a Facebook hook-up.

And with that, I include a text from Texts From Last Night, which I deem appropriate to this post:
(715): and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN’T include the words “creeped him on facebook” is really not a story worth sharing

Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!

Quotes from: Twilight & History, ed. Nancy R. Reagin. Hoboken: John Wiley & Sons, 2010.
Photo source