…or, “Seven Signs of the Apocalypse.”  Yes, in a totally un-ironic twist of singledom fate, I have just finished watching two hours of death and destruction and I didn’t even get to watch Vin Diesel or similar while doing it. 

With the prediction that the world will end tomorrow, a ton of channels are airing apocalyptic-themed television shows, and I of course stumbled upon one.  Might as well educate the masses, right?  Well, the show was a whole bunch of blowing things up, melting faces, liquefying organs, starving children, and such, and while I am NOT mocking anything that is in the Bible – despite what my laundry list of catastophes may look like (it will all eventually happen because that’s just how it works), it’s just not something that makes you happy on a Friday night. 

But, there’s a funny side to this whole “the world’s gonna end this weekend” story:

It’s brought some savvy businessmen/women out of the woodwork: If you’re worried about the aftermath of the May 21st “deadline,” there’s a company that ensures – for a small fee – that your pets are taken care of after the Rapture.  (View it HERE). I personally believe all dogs go to heaven – except maybe those that maul children, but who am I to judge? – so this is a double-moot point as far as I’m concerned.

Also, the CDC has ironically [or not!] released its advice for survival in the event of a zombie apocalypse.  You know, because that’s so predictable.  (View this one HERE)

Do you think the world will end tomorrow?

I don’t.  Basically for two reasons:

1. “No one knows about that day or hour, not even the angels in heaven, nor the Son, but only the Father.” (Matt 24:36 NIV), and
2. It’s my belief that God won’t end the world on a day that tons of people are predicting, specifically because of the above scripture.  Plus, I like to respectfully believe that He has a sense of humor, and He’s probably looking down here and wondering what the 89-year-old radio evangelist is thinking.  He’s probably laughing at the guy.  You know, because all the radio dude has to do is look in the Bible and find the answer to his speculation (plus, the evangelist was already wrong once before - in 1994). I wonder how he’ll explain this second miscalculation away when he wakes up on Sunday morning…

In “preparation” for this weekend, may I offer the following bit of advice:  This weekend, stay away from big cities and landmarks.  Seriously people.  Hollywood has proved that Paris [especially the Eiffel Tower], Tokyo, NYC, L.A., Hollywood, sometimes San Francisco, Rome, Egypt – specifically Giza – and the Great Wall of China are all giant antennae for asteroids, earthquakes, fires, volcanoes, and other catastrophic horrors.  Also of note: bad guys with crazy powers who can only be battled by crime-fighting mutants or superheroes possessing x-ray vision like to attack these same cities.  It’s probably a good idea to avoid them pretty much any time.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

And with that, dear friends, I bid you adieu.  Have a happy Saturday and I’m sure I’ll see you Sunday.