Why do we feel the need to burn bridges? Why is it so hard to keep a relationship going after a fall-out–and I mean any relationship: romantic or otherwise?
So here’s the deal: my first husband and I are great friends (the same cannot be said of my middle husband). First Husband and I have a kiddo–Her Royal Pinkness, the Minty Ninja, Ems, whatever I feel like calling her today. It behooves us (Do you like that? Behooves?). Anyway, it behooves us to be–at very least–civil with one another. We are lucky enough, in fact, to be one of the other’s best friends.
My darling MW2 thinks First Husband is great; the two chat about everything under the sun. Seriously, I can barely get a word in edgewise sometimes (NOT that I’m complaining–I can’t hate that my bf gets along well with a man who will be in my life at least until la petite is 18). We’ve met First Husband’s very sweet and beautiful soon-to-be second wife. In fact, the four of us ended up inadvertently offending a nearby table when we all met up for lunch. So really, that’s a win.
But when I talk to people and mention the good standing that First Husband and I find ourselves on, they can’t seem to be able to grasp that the two of us–make that four of us–can get along so well. I mean, I realize that being good friends with an ex is really difficult sometimes, and trust me: there were times when First Husband and I wanted to kill each other (metaphorically, of course). But it doesn’t have to always be that way.
The same applies for friends who may have gone by the wayside. I’ll admit that I’ve had less success with regaining friendships. Perhaps the fact that First Husband and I have the little fairy to contend with motivated us to mend those fences–I fully realize how lucky I am to be able to count him among my friends and not just somebody that I used to be married to.
Anyway, I’ve lost friends and there’s something that either holds me or the other person back from reconnecting. I can cite reasons specific to each situation for why those tears are still there, but is there something underlying?
Think about it: these are people we cared about enough to allow them to be close enough to hurt us as much as they did. Is that why we have to cut them off? Because it hurts too much to be reminded of what could have been? Is it pride? Is it immaturity? I don’t know. I put it to you, dear Internets. What do you think?
I think that’s pretty much it, that they were allowed to be that close, and THEN there was the hurt. Not only did they do something to cause you pain, but they did so AFTER being allowed into the “circle of trust”. The same thing that makes it worthwhile to reconnect and probably was one of the basises for the friendship is what makes the betrayal so terrible.
On a not completely separate note, most people tend to lean towards similar personalities, and I’m as stubborn as a jackass (and other traits of a jackass I’ve been told), and many of my friends are stubborn. That makes for difficulty when it’s time for one side to extend the olive branch.
I think that’s pretty much it, that you allowed them to be close THEN there was the hurt. You allowed them into the “circle of trust” and after being vetted, and being allowed in where significant damage could be done, they betrayed your trust somehow. If they hadn’t been allowed in to cause the damage they couldn’t have caused the damage that they caused because they were let in to cause…[excuse me while smoke pours out of my ears as the logic-fail-circle continues its catch 22 routine]…for my part as well, I tend to associate with similar personalities to my own, and I’m as stubborn as a jackass, and most of my close friends tend to be that way as well. That makes someone not only forgoing their pride, but also being willing to extend the proverbial olive branch much more unlikely.
-bobby
Ooh, you make a good point about being similar in personality to others you associate with. I can be a little (okay, more like a lot) stubborn myself, so there’s that. I hadn’t considered that part of it, Bobby! Thanks.